Introduction

Why this book?

"The tongue is the mirror of the soul; a man is what he speaks." Publilius Syrus

"It's not a feeling," Ike, my husband, exclaims from the other end of the kitchen, his voice filled with a mixture of enthusiasm and self-satisfaction. The look I return to him is far from satisfied. On that day, returning from a seminar by Marshall Rosenberg on nonviolent communication (NVC), he tries to tell me that, according to what he has learned, my words do not describe "feelings." Unfortunately, I am unable to hear his enthusiasm or understand this idea, too busy rejecting his attempt to "dictate how I should speak."

When we tell this anecdote in the NVC seminars that we now lead together, we consider it the perfect counter-example of the principles that we share in this book. However, the difficulty we had in understanding each other at the time was nothing compared to what happened when we started "using" this technique with our three teenagers. We laugh about it now, but the period when Ike and then myself embarked on rethinking our way of doing what we thought we knew how to do - namely, communicate - was a difficult period.

Speech is inherent to humans. The newborn produces sounds to express its needs, and the first word a child utters is celebrated. Speech allows society to function at all levels. Therefore, nothing seems more natural than using speech to express one's needs and respond to the needs of others.

However, contrary to this apparent simplicity, speech arises from an interaction of factors. Our thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions deeply shape our language, which reflects our personal world. If we do not have a clear awareness of our In words, the risk is to be surprised every day by interactions that provoke the opposite of what we expect. Studies teach us that only a small percentage of what we say is heard - and even less understood. If we add to this that each language employs different structures to express actions and thoughts, we can say that it is a miracle that we understand each other.

Our interest in communication began long before the incident in our kitchen in 1997. Both of us started studying yoga in 1970 and discovered the eight limbs, the principles of ashtanga yoga presented by Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras. The first principle of yoga is yama, or "restraint." These restraints are five in number. The first, and most important, is ahimsa, or "non-violence." Satya, or "truth," is another one. The practitioner is enjoined to speak the truth or, more precisely, to restrain the desire to speak what is not true.

Ike and I believe that this injunction to speak the truth raises many questions. What truth is it? Do we not each have a different view of reality? In "Life Strategies," Phillip McGraw writes: "There is no reality, only perceptions." While Ike and I agree that truth is a value, we find it difficult to consider it as a practice, as something systematic.

Over the years, we have also been interested in Buddhist meditation and have begun to practice it daily, according to the Zen tradition, in a sitting posture. Then, one day, we discovered that Buddhism, like yoga, offers us a set of precepts, including "right speech," or the use of speech in a harmless way for oneself and others - somewhat like satya. Again, we agreed on the principle, but were somewhat puzzled by how to apply it - if not by not lying.

One day, during a Buddhist retreat, Ike almost accidentally discovers the fundamental principles of nonviolent communication and, as often happens, quickly attends a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg, the pioneer of this approach.

Founder of the method. I quickly joined Ike in studying NVC. The only memory I have of the early years is that I understood nothing. We were just trying to focus on the fundamental structures of the technique. Then, gradually, over time, we began to integrate this work into our lives. What helped us the most was practice. Lots of practice. We hold a weekly practice workshop at our home. In parallel, we try to use it at home. We jokingly say that we live in a "NVC ashram." We attend seminars, which sometimes last for ten days, to immerse ourselves. We eventually realize that we are learning a foreign language, the language of empathy and compassion.

We also discover an interesting connection between meditation and yoga asana and the choice of words. As we try to transpose our practice of meditation and yoga into our roles as spouses, parents, teachers, and citizens, Dr. Rosenberg's approach speaks to us.

The purpose of this book is to emphasize the importance of right speech. Because speech changes the world. Integrating the spiritual awareness of the power of speech into the practical practice of nonviolent communication is a powerful tool, capable of affecting not only our lives and the lives of those around us but also the world as a whole. If we do not become aware of the power of our speech, we continue to reinforce both emotional and psychological patterns that contribute to our suffering and the suffering of others.

Using speech as a spiritual practice is the act and art of becoming more deeply aware of our words so that they not only connect us to ourselves but also reflect what is present within us. We then contribute to creating the world in which we want to live and leave to future generations because our words change lives.

We now know that learning NVC is not necessarily as difficult. We feel like we're starting to understand satya and right speech in ways we never thought possible. It took us years to realize that the first step in making speech a spiritual practice is to make an internal change of awareness. From then on, our language begins to evolve effortlessly to reflect outwardly what has happened internally. When these two transformations occur, we are more likely to appreciate our interactions with others.

We wrote this book to share with you what we have learned. It is organized into nine chapters. We will start by talking about satya, right speech, and NVC. Then we will explore the principles of NVC by examining how we talk to ourselves, to our partners, to our children and parents, and to our colleagues. In each chapter, you will find exercises to help you anchor NVC in your life. To assist you:

• Keep a journal of specific expressions or phrases that have helped or not helped you connect with yourself and others, or any other experiences.
• Ask a friend to become your empathetic buddy to prepare for a difficult conversation.
• Form a weekly study group to discuss the techniques presented in this book.

This ongoing learning has created real miracles in our lives. We are very happy that you are joining us on this adventure and hope that these techniques will help you adopt a mode of communication that meets your needs for clarity and serenity - and compassion.

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